Category: Dating and Relationships
Hi guys,
I've tried Eharmony but I think that paying to find a boyfriend is just ridiculous! Plus, if you don't find someone, that's just wasting your money and time.
I also tried Whispers4u which is a disabled dating sit but all I got was messages from members on wheelchairs or with Cerebral palsy.
Now i'm on PlentyofFish which they say it's only good for a quick hook up.
Now I have a question for ya'll! Are you upfront about your disability and how to you pick the right photo? I mean, Do people notice your blind on pics, do you wear sunglasses or what? I know this sounds silly but i'm a bit confused.
Hope to get some replies
Thanks
I haven't really tried out a dating site so I can't honestly answer your first question. But to answer your second question, I haven't been aware of anyone who never knew me or saw me outside of a picture. That is I don't know how a random person would perceive my pictures. It would have to depend on whether you try and look at the camera and if you've had practice trying. I only have peripheral vision, so if I was to look at a camera from my perspective, it wouldn't appear that I was looking in the direction of the camera/person holding the camera. But at any rate wish you the best of luck if you continue trying out the dating sites. It's just another form of dating which requires trial and error.
Yeah. EHarmony is ridiculous. I've looked at it but I'm not gona pay to try and find a girlfriend. Thenof course there's the fact that a person can be differennt in real life to how they appear online. It's funny, because I was watching TV a few days ago and one of EHarmony's comercials came on. I listened to it and it occurred to me that as serious and strenuous as teir questionaires claim to be to insure you find your "perfect" match, a person could pass those with flying colors and still turn out to be all wrong for you. It's an inside joke between my parents and me that if my mom and dad had signed up for EHarmony they would never have been paired with one another because the site considered them far too differennt to be a workable match. And yet they've been happily married now for 39 years. Then of course there's the problemthat EHarmony like most of the dating sites I've heard of aren't exactly blind friendly to begin with.
Hi,
I met my wife online though funnily enough not on a dating site, but I did use a few of them before meeting her.
I wouldn't rule out the paid-for dating sites. The fact that you have to pay means that people tend to be a bit more discerning than on sites like Plenty of Fish, you only need to read a few Plenty of Fish profiles asking freaks/married people to stop getting in touch with the person who wrote the profile to know that there's a lot of noise on that site. That's obviously not to say that it's impossible to meet someone on it or that you won't meet timewasters on Match or EHarmony, but I guess it's all about increasing the chances of finding someone.
I used EHarmony for a while and had quite a few dates and a couple of short term relationships, so I thought the site worked reasonably well. I did put that I was blind on the profile mainly to save explaining later. I don't know whether this reduced the interest or in my profile or not, but it would seem a difficult one to explain away if someone subsequently asked you why you didn't include it up front. An acid test as to whether you should or not is to ask yourself how you would react if you met someone that hadn't declared something like that on the site, but you found out when you met them.
What about the zone? Great online dating service for free. You will never find better! Lol
Except that there's no guarantee you'll find someone in your area. As for Match I used to use it but I haven't noticed it to be all that blind friendly anymore.
ah, now I understand why you asked the second question. As far as dating someone on this site it comes down to two things. First, just keep a low profile. People will probably still know you are dating the other person, but keeping a lower profile is good because it doesn't give the drama starters a whole lot of room to play. And second, going off of that, if you can handle stupid drama and laugh it off without allowing it to affect the relationship, then it will work. It isn't much different from dating someone from somewhere else, but I've noticed that the small community has an affect on some relationships on here.
And if you can handle long distance relationships LOL.
Hello,
Before I met my husband I was on a few free sites and one paying one. They really work. I truly agree that the people who pay usually are more sincere about wanting more than a night of fun. Putting I'm blind was something I did right off because it is a part of who I am. Some good free sites though that I actually met people off of are cupidbay.com and okcupid.com. Back when I was gay, another good one was lesbotronic.com. That was good because they emailed matches to you and you never had to go back to the site unless you were updating your profile. Happy dating and remember that it takes a lot of work on both parts to make it last.
Okcupid isn't really blind friendly anymore from my experience.
I kinda feel like trying eHarmony just to see what the questionnaire actually picks for me and see if it can find someone with at least one or two of my interests/personality. Doing the questionnaire is free right? Once it tries to match me I can't communicate with them, so I guess I'd stop there…
Is CupidBay basically like OkCupid?
Tawkify also sounds interesting but I have my doubts about it.
I know eHarmony used to be blind friendly, but I haven't looked at it in over six years, and a friend recently told me it's not very blind friendly now. That's just hearsay though. Based on the experience of various friends and family who have found someone online, the paid sites are the more reputable. Sometimes the hard truth is you have to pay for quality. I'm not saying that everyone on a paid site is reputable, but you might stand a better chance there. If I were going to do the online thing, I think it'd be worth paying a bit for.
Assuming you could find a site that was blind friendly enough to make it worthwhile. Match.com certainly isn't as far as I'm concerned, not anymore. Just for the heck of it I checked it out a day or two ago.
i've not dating anyone seriously on any of the online dating site. However, i've made some good friends thru it. Regardless of what you do, which website you go, i think, be honest and spell out that you are blind is really important. My approach is that, if they can't accept of who i am, they are not worth of my time and efferts. What is the point of pretending i'm not someone that i am? I mean, i got a very sighted life, in a way that 95% of my friends are sighted and so on. i could easily live a sighted life without any doubt as long as we don't meet up. But i'm blind, and blind i am is the truth that no one can deny.
Usually the responds i get is that they wanting to be friend with me because of who i am, and they take my courage as a lady with vision impairment as a positive, or, they are just freaks. And, honestly, you can tell, if they are freaks or they are sincere in the first few conversation.
Of course, i wasn't going to focus on my blindness. e.g. i didn't say, hi, i'm such and such, i'm blind, i use a dog/cane and i'm 30, bla bla bla. I simply spell out the fact withint my profile that i'm blind, and have a guidedog. But i'm also capable with other thing, and i'm also a professional, independent etc.
I'd always state that I'm blind in my profile. It might cut down the number of people who take the initiative to write to me first but the other side of the coin is you wait till you meet in person and the girl gets upset that you didn't state that you're blind right off the bat.
There's nothing wrong with putting that you are blind in your profile. If you are comfortable with it and confident, then there's no reason. I wouldn't put it at the top of the list, because there are things that are more important to look for that should be addressed first. I personally don't see a point of me using a dating site, because I'm going to college and I have other priorities right now, plus when I like someone, it's because of feelings. I couldn't put myself out there and honestly see myself liking someone from a site, unless I got to know them for a while and we clicked.
Yes Ryan. I suppose its up to individuals as to what sort of concept the have on dating site. For me, i see dating site as another way to make some new friends, and friends that could have the petential of something more in the long run or good friends. I achieve that and i'm happy. I wasn't go out and looking for dates and stuff. Hell, no way i'll go to a dating site look for dates, even though that is sort of what 90% of people does. That also means i'm very selective and very careful as to who i talk to on the dating site, and who approach me. If they don't want to be friends to start with, then, that is no point on proceeding to any meaningful conversation.
Thanks guys. I agree that it's important to state in your profile about your disability but i'm so scared that members would ignore me if I do so. The thing that I don't like about dating sites is that you have the option of finding out who last viewed your profile, I would rather not knowing because if for example you were viewed 200 times in the previous week and you only got 13 new messages, it means that most of them didn't find you interesting or attractive enough. Putting hat your blind or visually impaired would only decrease the chances of meeting someone. In order the someone to see beyond your disability it's very important that they know the real you first. Therefore I agree that telling them later it's just wasting their time because if they can't deal with our differences they're not worth knowing in the first place.
Also I believe that people who opt to search for someone on dating sites tend to be shallow and close minded since the first thing they're looking for is a cute face, then personality. Guys are usually looking for miss "perfect"..... with the most amazing eyes, a beautiful smile, nice body and so on.
I am not totally blind and I see nothing wrong with revealing your visual impairmet in your profile, the problem is I don't know how to do it in a positive way. I'd like to be honest yet brief.
disability or not, if you aren't confident in who you are, what you represent, and what you could offer to others (be they friends, or a potential partner) you can't expect others to like you, or even be willing to give you a chance.
I realize that may sound harsh, considering you likely haven't had much experience with this sort of thing. however, I'm just telling you like it is.
ultimately, you have to believe in yourself, if you want others to believe in you, in any copacity.
interesting on the different views of people on here and I've not ever used a dating site but i think it would be a good idea to inform those you communicate with cause they could be talking about some thing and you may of not seen it and the they would be wondering why you weren't understanding them
Looking for friends on a dating site is like me looking for tarot readers on a software development site.
People are on that site to get dates, there are other sites for getting platonic friends.
Hi Lena22.
I think you've fallen into the trap of assuming that just because someone views your profile on a dating site and doesn't subsequently talk to you, they've been put off by the fact you've said you're visually impaired. In fact, it may be because they're not a premium member and can only view profiles, or it may simply be that they don't share your interests. Trust me, if you sign up, you'll be viewing all sorts of profiles that you don't end up acting upon.
Also, you can't really assume what people are looking for on a dating site. You say that guys are after x, y or z, and while this may be true in some or even most instances, it won't be true across the board. If you don't believe me, ask yourself what you're looking for, because you'll be one of the users if you sign up.
It's best to be honest from the start. If you are honest about everything else this isn't any different. It's like some of us said before, being blind or visually impaired is only one of the many characteristics that you have. People who see that you use a cane or dog may look at it as something bigger, amazing, or in this case compelling. That gives you the chance to show them that it really isn't a big deal. You know yourself better than any of them would know you, so though it might suck if you get rejected and it turns out because of being blind, it's more so their loss. If they are to be so close minded to not look past that then they aren't worth your time. Not everyone is like this though, and it is up to you to prove that you would be worth the guy's time. You can only do your part.
As a sighted person, I would be more inclined to date/marry a visually impaired person than someone who is confined to a wheelchair.
Based on my pre-meeting/marrying ED_G experiences with the V I / Blind community... specifically dealing with my Mother's temporary stroke induced blindness and subsequent permanent low vision... I find that visual impairments are waaaaaay easier to deal with than having to compensate for a wheelchair.
This is not to say that I wouldn't have dated someone who was confined to a chair, but rather it's my preference not to and I don't think it's any different than women who choose to date people who are older or taller or shorter or younger than they are or who have moustaches or back hair or tattoos.
Please don't give up hope with the sighted community. As others have stated, honesty up front goes a long way in the relationship game... we may have some questions about your impairment (I know that I was curious about Ed's impairment and what he could and couldn't do compared to other men I'd dated... I must admit that I felt weird asking in the beginning) and we thank you in advance for your patience in this regard as we get to know you.
I can assure you that there ARE some of us sighteds who really don't care if you're blind or not... I can tell you that if I had cared that Ed is blind, I wouldn't have agreed to meet him almost 2 years ago and I certainly wouldn't have married him.
Good luck in your search... it's a jungle out there.
Oh, and one other thing... for what it's worth, I definitely DO NOT recommend the dating site called Plenty of Fish... there are far too many freaks and not enough circus as far as that place is concerned.
Hello,
So I haven't really tried any actual dating sites. I've done the online thing on the zone, and it never really worked out for me. I feel like, before establishing that two people are in a relationship, they need to meet, and know they are compatible in person because face-to-face contact is so, so much different than online.
Anyway, sighted friends that I have talked to have had relatively good luck with match.com, but if it isn't accessible, then I don't really know how a blind user would use it. That's so unfortunate.
In terms of pictures, it really depends on the person whether you can tell from the photo that they are blind or not, and, even so, people may still not be sure. A lot of the time, when I'm walking around holding a friend's arm, and not using my dog or cane, people do not assume I'm blind; they think I'm lesbian or extremely drunk, a lot, hahahah. And I've had people say I look blind in my pictures, but I have also had people say they can't tell from my pictures. It probably depends on a host of factors I don't really know about. If you're curious, I would just ask a trustworthy person with enough sight to tell. When it comes down to it, though, I would be upfront in your profile about your disability. That's something you would want someone to know before indicating interest, I think, because, otherwise, it's going to take unnecessary explaining, and it's just one of those things that I think a person would know if they were meeting you in person. It's obviously up to you how you handle it, but that is how I would do it personally.
Best of luck!
And agreed with leo. I have never heard of someone registering for a dating site just to make friends. that seems so pointless lol, but to each his own.
And also, for the record, I totally get that Kate. I think it's fair for each person to have their preferences. That' snot to say you wouldn't treat someone in a wheelchair as less of a person, as far as I know, but, rather, given the choice, you would not prefer to date someone in a wheelchair.
to add on of what Ed wrote, not all people will view on the profile or take it seriously. In fact, when you sign up, (not sure about EHarmony) but you will see perhaps 50% of profiles will have something very generic e.g. "love animals, like movies, raising cars, sports, music, reading, travels, sex..." etc etc. Well, you get the picture.
Even it is on dating site, you still get some creeps that is very straight forward and tell you what they look for. Flings and FWB will be the most common, or no string attach relationships.
I guess, what i'm trying to say is that, protect yourself on those dating site , regardless of what you want to achieve from it. That is one of the advantage about EHarmony, is a pay website, that might give yu a better chance of meeting someone that is serious on having relationships, rather than websites like plentyoffish, where you may get the mix bags of unknown.
I definitely agree with the last poster. If you're going to be with someone in more than a platonic sense you definitely need to meet them in person. I think that's actually the major reasonI have a problem with long distance relationships, especially when you're both blind and on fixed incomes.
One point worth making is that most commercial online dating sites are about facilitating people meeting up rather than sustaining long distance relationships. Obviously sites like this are different because like minded people will come together from all over the world. While it's theoretically possible to do the same on Match or EHarmony, the default is to match you with someone geographically close to you.
okcupid works ok with Jaws if your willing to use internet explorer and the jaws cursor. The mobile app is unusable but if your use the site in saffari on iOS it's pretty accessible. I don't put that I'm blind in my profile, but I will tell someone I'm blind when talking to them and it's somewhat natural to come up in conversation. For example what's your favorite video game is a good time to explain your blind. I find this usually gives me enough time talking to someone so that there usually ok with the fact that I'm blind. I feel like mentioning it in your profile cam come across as having being blind define you, which it does not me.
Problem is if you wait till you're talking to someone, evenif you still doit earl on, you still run the risk of having the person reject you. This has happened to me a lot. Either that or they just don't pay attentio and keep asking you vision-related questions.
people will find ways to reject you, anyway, though, no matter who you are.
This is definitely true. I'vehad a few turn me down because I'm not and have never beenthe bad boy type that they're attracted to. How anyone can find the fact that someone's been in trouble with the law attractive I'll never understand, but apparently some do.
I meant to say in my last post that I agree with the person that said putting ones blindness in their profile, is signifying that it defines him or her. personally, there's much more to me than my lack of sight, which is what I want people to know. plus, chances are, your blindness will come up in conversation somehow. if, for whatever reason, it doesn't, then, find a way to bring it up, if it's really that important to you.
Hi,
Not sure that putting blindness in a profile means that it defines you, any more than listing other individual characteristics or hobbies does.
I don't know.... disclosing your disability in your profile might not be a good idea as some individuals may see it as a negative point. You should point out our qualities and strengths, after they get to know us we can reveal it in a natural way. If it doesn't work it's not our fault, at least we were able to show we we really are.
If someone is interested in you, reading about your blindness might put them off before they even get to know you. If people don't put in their profile that they have diabetes, wear braces, had a stroke or other related health issues, why shall we tell the whole world tell we're visually impaired? That's just part of who we are, it does not define us.
If you're confident enough to do so, that's great but I don't feel comfortable with the idea.
I think the world might be ending... I agree with The Roman Battle Mask...
Not sure how I feel about this.
I used a Christian web site (www.christiancafe.com) when I met my husband. I was only on the site to make friends or pen-pals, and was very upfront about it, and wound up meeting and clicking with my husband.
I did not disclose my vision impairment on the site, but like others have said, when the topic comes up I would bring it into the conversation. Some people dropped my like a hot potato, while others were very curious and the conversation just petered out from there (there's something about consistently feeling like a curiosity rather than a person that just rubs me the wrong way). Others have become lifelong friends...
But I do agree, whether you choose to disclose or not, it's all in how confident you come across.
Kate
If it's a part of you, and you want to come across as confident, why leave it out? It's something that the person will have to find out either way and there won't be shock value if you tell them. Also, it would suck if you tried investing yourself with someone who turns you down because of being blind. It would save you a lot of hard ache from the start.
As far as how to tell them, keep it simple. You don't want it to define you, so just say that you are blind. People are curious and they'll ask questions if they are interested, and that is your chance to show how you handle it.
Exactly. Oftentimes if you wait and they find out in the first meeting they're more likely to be bothered
I don't understand why anyone would not disclose their blindness, unless it's something to be ashamed of in your eyes. Some of you say you'd rather not post that in your profile because it's something you'd rather not highlight, because you have more important parts of yourself to share. Howevervoid your honesty in a way? Sure, you're going to tell the person you get to know about your disability later on, but you're being dishonest and acting in your own interests, doesn't that make you look a little worse than the person that subtly mentions the disability in his or her profile?
Braces, strokes, etc. are not a continual issue, so there's no reason to mention that. but blindness is something you live with on a daily basis, so why not be up front about it in a creative, subtle way? Maybe have a picture posted with yoru guide dog, or talk about braille or something that makes you stand out rather than something that makes you look disadvantaged.
Personally, if you ask me, I'd be more bothered that someone didnt' allude to his or her disability till later on more so than by the disability itself. That tells me several things:
1, that the person is really not as comfortable with their disability as someone who might disclose it, creatively, like I described before.
2. That the person has the potential to be dishonest. Let's face it: Blindless is a big thing to most people. You're not writing the profile for yourself, you're writing it for others, so even if you claim it's not a big deal to you, it usually is a big deal to sighted people, whether they view it as a negative or a positive. At least at first it's a big deal. I'd think, what other big thing is that person hiding.
So quite honestly, if someone I met online didn't allude to something as big as blindness up front, I'd likely reject them, not because of their blindness but because of their bad tactics and their slight dishonesty.
I don't see not disclosing one's blindness as being dishonest, but rather, withholding information.
some sighted people may see the disability as a defining factor of said person, which is likely why people feel that putting their disability in one's profile as unnecessary.
when I've applied for jobs, I've never mentioned my blindness, unless the job specifically asked questions pertaining to disabilities, or I needed to tell them for accommodation purposes.
it boils down to personal preference, though. plus, as has been said, some people just aren't comfortable putting that out there, for whatever reason.
I, personally, don't have a problem with people knowing I'm blind. however, it's gonna come up in conversation, anyway, so it doesn't need to be in my profile, too.
well for jobs, I haven't mentioned that I'm blind right off the bat in a resume or application, something to that degree.
But a dating profile is a bit different. I fel that withholding that kind of info from a potential partner is dishonest and makes things more awkward later on. but I guess that's just me.
It is not about either you tell it or not, is about how you tell and talk about it. As i mention earlier on, on my earlier post, if you write something like "Hi my name is ABC and i'm Blind. I go to the school of the Blind and use a cane. I don't travel unless i'm traveling with someone. I'm staying with my parents, I don't like go explore new thing because i'm always scare to be left behind. I like chatting on the phone, go on the net, and i have a facebook and twitter page. I also have a cat name cuty. I wish one day i will get a dog guide......" Then, that is defining yourself in a very negative way that you are blind and you also dependent. But, if you write something like "Hi, my name is ABC, i'm hoping to go to college and study law. I'm interested in talking to others as their story fasinate me. I also spend some time on the net and love meeting new people. I;'m blind and use a cane but that does not restrict my independent . I've wish i can travel as a back packer to Europe Canada, blar blar blar....."
Isn't it true that second profile is more of a compiling profile that show your strength, and your ability regardless of you are blind or sighted?
If you choose not to tell, and somehow they found out later, On some dating website that people can rate a profile or give reason why things don't work, others can rate you as a skam or lier or untruthful...
I actually agree with Chelsea on this one. While I, too, have no problem including that sort of info in a profile, I would not call it dishonest not to do so. After all, it wouldn't be dishonest not to put other potentially negative aspects of yourself there, like how you tend to be messy, or disorganized, or maybe you smoke or drink a bit more than you should, etc. While blindness is not a vice and does not have to be considered inherently negative, many people will consider it a down side whether they should or not. If I don't have to put my every potential detractor out there for everyone to see, why do I have to put my blindness out there? As Chelsea said, it's going to come up anyway.
I also agree with Chelsea. Being dishonest is one thing, Not wanting to include something about yourself is totally different. We're not denying our disability, it's just not the right time to say so. A lot of members will view your profile just to see how you look like. A potential date will read your profile fully and send you a message to let you know their interested. That being said, we should only disclose our disability to someone who makes an effort to get to know us. Why shall we put ourselves out there when 90% of the individuals who look you up don't even bother to say "Ni"? Those type of people are not worth knowing about our blindness in my opinion.
And to finalize, everyone has something that their not comfortable about sharing and some of us are one of them, no big deal!
Sorry about the "Ni", I meant "Hi"
The following onion article says it best. We all have issues and attempt to leave things out to make our selves look better online, it's part of online dating and you should know that going in.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-who-has-something-seriously-wrong-with-him-on,34011/
Pina's second profile example at #42 was what I had in mind in regards to blind/visually impaired people disclosing their impairment. Just work it into your profile but don't dwell on it... as a sighted I would like to know who and what I'm dealing with when I meet someone new, regardless of whether they were sighted or blind, deaf or hearing etc. Most people who don't give a rat's ass about whether your blind or not will take it (your disclosure) under advisement but also judge you by the other statements you make in your profile.
If I were single and looking for a potential guy to date and came across someone of interest who presented that aforementioned profile, I wouldn't immediately remove him from the "maybe" list simply because he's blind... there's enough interesting items listed in the profile that would likely compel me to find out more... besides, the impairment is just one aspect of the person... he could be a total gentleman and just as capable as a sighted or he could be an absolute asshole, but I wouldn't know unless I asked.
Even then, if I read the profile and disregarded the blindness declaration yet still felt that there was no common ground or potential chemistry in what I read in the profile, I'd still just scroll on by and not bother initiating contact... Ed_G wasn't the first blind person I'd met online/dated and I've done the "scroll on by" to sighteds in the past.
As I said before, good luck in your search... it's a jungle out there.
that was exactly my point. the previous poster hit the nail on the head.
Let's try an experiment. The below is a rewrite of Post 39, only replacing disability with another controversy:
I don't understand why anyone would not disclose their ethnicity, unless it's something to be ashamed of in your eyes. Some of you say you'd rather not post that in your profile because it's something you'd rather not highlight, because you have more important parts of yourself to share. Howevervoid your honesty in a way? Sure, you're going to tell the person you get to know about your heritage later on, but you're being dishonest and acting in your own interests, doesn't that make you look a little worse than the person that subtly mentions the heritage in his or her profile?
Braces, strokes, etc. are not a continual issue, so there's no reason to mention that. but racism is something you live with on a daily basis, so why not be up front about it in a creative, subtle way? Maybe have a picture posted with yoru United Negro College Fund scholarship, or talk about your overseas adventure to Africa or something that makes you stand out rather than something that makes you look ghetto.
Personally, if you ask me, I'd be more bothered that someone didnt' allude to his or her ethnicity till later on more so than by the ethnicity itself. That tells me several things:
1, that the person is really not as comfortable with their ethnicity as someone who might disclose it, creatively, like I described before.
2. That the person has the potential to be dishonest. Let's face it: race is a big thing to most people. You're not writing the profile for yourself, you're writing it for others, so even if you claim it's not a big deal to you, it usually is a big deal to white people, whether they view it as a negative or a positive. At least at first it's a big deal. I'd think, what other big thing is that person hiding.
So quite honestly, if someone I met online didn't allude to something as big as race up front, I'd likely reject them, not because of their race but because of their bad tactics and their slight dishonesty.
Oh and just to add my two cents' worth:
Many blacks can pass as white, since in so-called colorblind America if you have a drop of black blood you're considered black. These people are often pulled over by cops for driving too new a vehicle or any number of other things, even out here on the Left Coast, just visit LA.
And the Asians are often picked on in the schools for being "better than the rest of us," and all the rest, because they get as a whole better grades than most. Many who are Japanese-American still live with the effects of World War II where their families were put in internment camps. Many, again, can pass as white, if they're mixed enough.
And many whites can be assumed to be racists, sexists, privileged or any number of other names because of actions of others than themselves. And depending on their complexion and sun exposure, many can pass for mixed ethnicity also.
Nobody is saying one should declare in full their heritage. I didn't know my wife was of German descent until after we'd known each other for awhile. I guess some would have known by the last name but not me. And her family goes back to family on both sides of the War.
There are a lot of things that you don't know about someone since you're blind, just by talking to them. You can guess at how tall they are, and a few other characteristics, but there is all kinds of nondisclosed things.
Hoping this will cause people to think, whether or not they change the mind.
Most online profiles ask for ethnic origins... this was something I was loath to fill in, not because I'm embarrassed about being Japanese but because of all of the Rice King (non-Asian men who exclusively date Asian women) freaks out there who read "Japanese" (or Chinese or Korean etc) and automatically assume/expect a woman who is willing to be subservient/demure/helpless etc. I may be Asian, but I am also equally a Westerner... I speak English fluently, and French (not so much so) and very little Japanese. I was born and raised in Canada, I have Canadian sensibilities and companion (bad) attitude.
I fill in the ethnicity bit, but if men contact me and the first thing out of their mouths is "I love Asian women" or "Do you have Skype/wanna cam with me?" without to much as a "Hello, my name is XXX. How do you do?" or similar attempt to get to know me first, I will deliberately go out of my way NOT to cam with them and slowly do the fade.
One of the first things that attracted me to Ed was the fact that while he maintained a pretty steady line of communication, it was almost a month of our getting to know each other before the topic of Skype or voice chat came up... he spent a king's ransom texting me in the meantime, and I really appreciated the fact that he was a gentleman about things and did it properly (I.e. gave it time for us to get to know each other and find out a little about out common interests).
It never really came up that he was blind but I guess that given the fact that he found my address on a post I made years ago at the a f b dot o r g site and wrote to me, I guess I knew subconsciously that he was...I would be lying if I didn't admit that it gave me great pleasure to be able to buy cards for him and Braille out the text of the card for him with my slate and stylus... it was also fun mailing the cards to him for free until Postes Canada cottoned on to what I was doing and made me start affixing the appropriate postage... Bastards!!!
Some of my biracial cousins could very easily pass for Caucasian while some of them still look too Asian to be able to pass as Caucasian.
I can pass for Aboriginal Canadian, Chinese, Hawaiian, and Japanese.
One of my brother's friends who is half Japanese and half Caucasian can pass for Native Indian, especially when his hair is long... We had a laugh on a bus once how the Japanese girl (me) and the half Japanese guy (him) sitting at the back of the bus appeared to be a Native couple.... We would have gladly bought into it if it meant that we could both have official Department of Indian affairs identification cards.
Lol Kate. I can pass for nothing but white: if I stood still long enough under a flashlight's beam, it would probably sunburn me. But I know whites who, when spending a lot of time outdoors, turn pretty dark brown.
My favourite thing to do in Hawai'i is play "Confuse the Shopkeepers."
Invariably, when I am in Hawai'i and go shopping on Waikiki Beach, the shop staff greet me in Japanese.
I nod in acknowledgement, as I understand what they're saying, and go about browsing.
When I go up to the counter with the thing(s) that I want to purchase, I often shock them when I ask "Do you accept Visa?" in perfect, unaccented Canadian English.
Other times, people will take me by surprise and just address me in Japanese when I am expecting English. I went to swim with the dolphins once, and one of the guys at the facility told me, in Japanese, that I could leave my bag on the bleachers.
"Huh?" I said in a surprised voice.
He repeated himself in English and I said "Oh, o.k." and went to put my bag back where my shoes were.
Just a thought here:
Most dating sites will ask you to list what you look like. You get lumped into categories, whether you're slender, athletic, average, or have a few extra pounds. Same with height. Same with eye colour, hair colour, ethnicity, and how much you drink/smoke. Also, many dating sites will ask if you're married, will ask your age, and will ask if you have kids.
Every single one of these things is apt to have a certain small group who, if they get the wrong answer, will go "Nope, not happening. Next!". Should you be willing to lie, or simply put "n/a" about all of those? If so, you're going to have a pretty boring profile that runs something like this:
Hi. I'm a man who lives in Canada. I like music, books, swimming, the outdoors and watching baseball."
You can probably spice it up, but even with a bare-bones attempt like that, someone might go "Eww, baseball. Next!"
Everything you say gives a person the ability to write you off on such a site, and most of the things they insist you give up about yourself will do that fairly quickly. Guys may be particularly quick to dismiss a girl with "a few extra pounds", or girls may dismiss a guy who smokes or drinks. It happens.
All that being said, if you got to know someone, and then they found out that you possess a trait they don't want to deal with, they may be angry or dismissive. Even if they're willing to try for your sake, because they like you, you've kind of ambushed them.
Thus, my opinion is this:
It's not truly dishonest, but it's potentially misleading. Most sighted people, in particular, will assume you're sighted unless you tell them you aren't. If you let them believe you are sighted when you aren't, then you are responsible for their misinformation and can't pass the buck. The grand majority of folks who'll write you off because you're blind probably aren't worth getting to know anyway. Not absolutely airtight, but not too far off. Thus, I feel that while you aren't a horrible person if you fail to mention this, I think you're doing a little more harm than good. You're on this bloody site trying to get the benefit of the doubt, and you are not giving your prospective match that self-same benefit of the doubt. Reeks of a double standard to me. "I want to see you before you see me."
Of course, it can be funny when both parties have things to disclose and everything changes.
One last note: I don't liken blindness to a bad habit or a small quirk. Like it or not, it's a life-defining trait. That's...kind of a big deal.
Leo, you almost sold me on yoru point until you started bringing race into it. You can't throw race in the same pot as ethnicity. sorry . Theyr'e not interchangeable. Moreover, I agree with Greg. Why would you want to waste yoru own time as well as someone else's to try and convince them of how awesome you are, if they are plainly biased against blind people. If I were getting along great with a white man, but I was half black and he didn't know it, and then he disclosed to me that he hates, hates, hates black people because his grandpa told him to and he was a KKK member, would you recommend that i still keep seeing that guy? No. I dont' think so. Some people's prejudices are nonsensical, and there's nothing you cna do about htem, not even if you prove what an awesome person you are asside from the quality or trate they might potentially loathe.,
Furthermore, blindness is deeper than either ethnicity or race, and even heritige, which is also inherently different from the other two by the way. When your'e blind, you clearly make acconodations for yourself that no black, white, Asian German or Spanish sighted person has to deal with. And there are far more blacks, whites, Germans and Asians than there are blind people. You might see three asians in one day and only encounter one blind person in twenty years. Point is, we as blind people aren't as common as someone who is of a certain race, ethnicity, or someone who is of a certain descent.
So our issues and capabilities are less commonlyknown and understood.
thank you, Meglet. very well said.
and, I fail to see what harm I'm doing, just by withholding information such as my blindness.
as I said, it's gonna come up in conversation, cause I'll make sure of it.
that'd be like telling zoners to put similar things in the text and audio portions of their profile.
A, it'd be repetitive, and B, as has continuously been said, if people are gonna judge others on any traits they perceive to be negative, they aren't worth one's time, to begin with.
I disagree that blindness is deeper than ethnicity or race. Sure, I'm blind, which means that a lot of the things I do in everyday life are tougher and are done differently than they would otherwise. But blindness is not my culture; it's not my identity; it's not my personality; it's not my philosophy; it's not even a major part of my thought processes. It has affected my life, and continues to do so, of course it does. But it's not who I am. It's not me. And unless a person is actually turned off by a person with a physical disability, I see no reason why not putting my blindness in my profile should affect someone's attraction to me. Some people might be uncomfortable with blindness, and that discomfort (often attributable to lack of awareness or exposure) might easily be gotten past if they get to know me a little first. Once they realize i'm an actual person and not a charity case then they might actually feel less uncomfortable with disabilities in general. Not everyone is as enlightened as Kate, sadly. I really think people see themselves as fundamentally different because they're blind; I disagree. Blindness is a trait, just like brown hair is a trait, no more and no less. Does it affect more of your life than brown hair? Of course. But from a dating perspective, should that matter? I think it shouldn't. The bigger a deal you make of your disability, the bigger a deal your potential partners will make of it as well. If you are unlucky enough to come across someone who actually hates people with disabilities, then that really sucks and you should show them the door. but most people are just uncomfortable, because they don't know what to expect.
"The bigger a deal you make of your disability, the bigger a deal your potential partners may make of it as well."
I agree with this, but I draw a separate conclusion. To me, this means "Treat it like it's normal, like it's something my potential partner deserves right up front.". If I tiptoe around it, or if I wait to tell them till I start talking to them, then even for a little while I've led them a bit. Doing so draws more attention than putting it in my profile. Me doing that suggests that not only am I okay with my blindness, but that I'm expecting others to be as well. I don't know or care about the people who click "next" any more than I care about the people who see my pic and do the same, or hear I'm into baseball and do the same. I don't know about them, so their rejection means nothing. By contrast, the potential anger or rejection of someone who even for a brief while thought you were something you aren't, or thought you should've been right up front with them...well, it's not going to keep me up at night, but it might mean a budding friendship rocked or even wrecked.
In simple terms, I can't lament what I never knew I might have had.
When I analyze this, I put myself in the shoes of the person who finds something out a little late. Am I going to drop the person outright? Probably not, particularly if the issue isn't a deal-breaker for me. But I'm going to ask, and expect an answer to, this question, rhetorical as it might sound: "I realize you don't want to be discriminated against, but why are you discriminating against me by assuming the worst before you know me? You're covering your ass before you have a reason to." I wouldn't be angry, I'd be sort of disappointed, and that's worse in some ways.
And before I go any further, I'm not suggesting you have to devote a whole freaking paragraph to how special you are because you're blind. Don't beat them to death with it. But for heaven's sake don't avoid it either. If you feel okay putting down that you're carrying a few extra pounds, or if you feel okay with telling potential partners that you've got a kid or are a smoker, then you should be equally up front about your blindness, since the blindness is kind of a big deal to someone not used to it and they deserve the chance to pass you by if they honestly can't be bothered.
Another thought here:
Meglet, I'm not sure I agree with your stance that blindness isn't that big a deal. It can and does define your thought processes to some extent, particularly task-oriented thought processes. It doesn't determine how well you love or how easily you laugh or how smart you are. It doesn't make you more or less of a person. But it does lend itself to certain things in a lifestyle that a particular sort of sighted person probably doesn't want to deal with. People in wheelchairs probably have it about five times worse, sadly, and people who are deaf may have it worse still if they cannot speak or read lips. We don't have to make it an incredibly huge deal, but it is a part of us, a part of how we live and act, and as such should not be shied from because it is outside our control. A person will either be okay with it, will be not okay with it, or will be unsure and wanting to decide one way or the other. If you're on a dating site, you're sort of there to sell yourself, and that entails being up front because you expect the same from those with whom you're dealing. People who don't want to deal with your blindness will drop you whether or not you told them in your profile or waited three days. People who aren't bothered won't care either way, probably, but may ask you why you didn't just say so straight out instead of telling them after getting to know them. People who are unsure, by and large, want to be convinced, and confidence is often key on a dating site. Nothing speaks of lacking confidence better than "I can't put this in public, even though it's part of me and can't be shied from".
I think we have a different idea of what constitutes confidence. I see blindness as so inconsequential that it need not come up right away, whereas you think of that as an actual lack of confidence. We'll have to disagree there.
As far as task-oriented processes go...I dunno how much that has to do with dating, but okay.
Your other points have merit, even if I don't agree with them all. I think we just view our disabilities differently.
Oh, I almost forgot: it occurs to me to mention, Shepherdwolf, that in one of my previous posts I actually said I'd have no problem putting that kind of info on a profile. On a strictly personal level, I'd prefer to do so than not; helps sort wheat from chaff, so to speak. I'm simply defending the opposite viewpoint, because I can see it even if it's not my personal perspective. Thought I'd clarify that as the waters were getting a bit muddy.
Don't worry, Meglet. I hadn't lost track of that.
I can see why a person might not want to put this on a profile. I just think it's wiser to do it than not to do it. Also, we may feel that blindness is fairly inconsequential, since we live with it every day, but others who have to deal with it are not apt to view it the same way, and we can't expect them to right away. This is definitely not a black-and-white issue.
On that I agree wholeheartedly. Wiser, absolutely, at least in most cases. Dishonest not to? ... I don't believe so.
Thank you Greg for saying it better than I did. I meant to convey exactly what you did.
Meglet, task-oriented processes do mean a lot in terms of dating, especially if you're expecting to find a long-term partner on these dating sites. If you're just looking to hook up, then it's probably no big deal, no more awkward than a difference in how the two people make their beds or prepare coffee in the morning.
But if you're thinking potentially long-term, then task-oriented processes do matter, because you might end up living with someone down the road, or even just seeing them very often on a regular basis, and if they struggle to wrap their heads around how you live yoru daily life as a blind person, that could be a deal breaker for either partner.
For me, mentioning the fact that I'm blind allows me to be realistic about it. I'm not kidding anyone that I dont' do things a little differently here and there. I'm up front about it. And why I don't want to do a show and tell segment about it, I'm not going to brush it off like it's nothing, because I feell that if I do, then anyone who might be on the fence or a bit uncomfortable about my blindness might be deterred from asking me questions. If they're curious about the way I do something and I act like my disability isn't much of anything at all, they my refrain from satisfying their curiosity wich could lead to unnecessary tension.
I agree with greg that disappointment in someone you've just met outplays anger. I wouldn't be angry at someone for not eluding to their blindness if I wre sighted, but I'd be disappointed, and that's really worse.
I may not be immensely experienced with long-term relationships; I'm not married, it's true. But I do understand that task-oriented thought processes matter in a long-term sense. What I was questioning was which processes would interfere with dating, in the context of blindness. Yes, I can't drive, but I can take the bus or a cab if I need to get somewhere. There are lots of things I do differently, but in general I consider my thoughts to be mostly like those of a sighted person. We're both human, after all, we're both people. And as for deterring a person from asking questions, I've never once had someone not ask me something simply because I didn't go on about my disability first. people rarely need that kind of prompting. I'm not treating my blindness like it's so "nothing" as to not ever be discussed ever. Very few sighted people allow my tendency to act like a normal person to keep them from asking questions and satisfying their curiosity. And of course I'd be happy to oblige them, if I'm thinking of becoming serious with them.
For the record, I only mentioned task-oriented processes and thoughts because I was citing a pervasive difference between the blind and the sighted. In a lot of cases it won't end up mattering much, but you're absolutely right, Meglet, when you say that in most matters of curiosity it's an issue of simple question leading to simple answer.
You and I appear to be mostly in agreement on this, as it stands. I wasn't really trying to say it was openly dishonest not to tell. It comes close to leading on, but it's not blatant dishonesty. You leave out that info at your own risk, that's pretty much all I'd say.
Well, i suppose as a person that is online, one can pretend as much as they like that they are someone different. Although covering up the fact that they are blind, or having some sort of disability may not consider as lying for some, but i think, that also consider dishonesty, not only to yourself but to others as well.
If one are happy to form a relationship/friendship thru dishonesty to start with, then, what i can say, expect others to do the same with you.
I suppose, no different than some people on dating site covering up that they as a fact have kids and a wife and only looking for some sugardaughter to have a fling or two. Or, worse case, you fall in love, have sex, realize that your so call lover actually have a family waiting for him to go back sometime, somehow.
This may seems okay for some, i don't know, but it is definitely not my cup of coffee.
I'm not sure how old the original post are, still the same, don't do anything that you will regret later. Maybe not in the next few years, but say 5 or 10 years later, you might regret on some decision that you make...
So what is the list of traits that have to be exposed? That I sunburn easily? That I am shorter than the average man? I understand what has been said here, I am merely trying to help people think on this, somewhat outside the box.
Bernadetta, I do understand the difference between race, ethnicity and heritage. But anything can be, or not be, a major issue to people. I knew a couple who nearly broke up because of the enormous height difference, and they spoke of height difference the way many of you speak of blindness.
Being a relatively short guy at 5'/8" and married into a tall family, I can tell you it's true. They're comfortable with things placed virtually out of my reach, as it's more comfortable for them to reach. They contend with back issues and other things I have never done, and there are times being my size comes in very handy.
I think as it pertains to talking about being blind, brushing it off may not be the answer, but when it truly is no big deal, treat it as no big deal. That's not an insult to them, it's an assurance. And it's practiced all over the place not just with disabilities. Where there are challenges, if you're forward-thinking and progressive and resourceful enough, they'll just catch it if they can rise above previously held assumptions. And we all have those previously-held assumptions about things. You can't help whether people are capable of modifying those assumptions or not.
Again, I'm not saying put it in the profile, or leave it out. But how many traits are a must to disclose? Sounds like the fine print of a contract to me. Then again, I have not been on these dating sites.
Why doesn't someone create two identical profiles with two widely seporated locations to reduce the likelyhood of someone seeing both. Have pictures,essays, etc be identical except for the fact that one profile mentions blindness in passing and one was not. Then see what type of responses you get.
lol RBM. interesting idea.
thank you, Meglet, for your well thought out posts, that stated my thoughts so well.
like Meglet, I've never had a problem with people not asking questions, if I don't talk about my disabilities first.
more often than not, they're fine with me encouraging them to ask questions, if they have any, and letting that be that. then, we talk about other things, and they get to know me as a person, instead of focusing on what they outwardly see.
yes, blindness is part of who some of us are, but it isn't all of who we are.
cause, as was said, the less of a deal we make of it, the less of an issue it'll likely be for others.